emptying my pockets

dear readers (all 3? or 5? of you),

i don't know exactly who you are, but i'm trying not to let that matter.

i've really been struggling over the past several months about what to do with this blog. i want it to be something more than it is. i have great expectations that i feel completely unable to fulfill. and i have personal roadblocks, such as the fact that i'm not a terribly transparent person. i'm feel that i'm honest, but i like to to hide my cards, so well that sometimes i forget which cards i have and they don't get played. the analogy breaks down, and i digress. you may find that happening more often here. you may find the perpetual lack of capitilization tiresome, the grammar errors unbearable. you may find that none of this makes sense. this may only get worse in the future. in a way, i'm hoping it does. because that would mean it's just a more accurate picture of me. i feel like i spend alot of time trying to represent to people a me i want them to think i am, but keep looking at myself and seeing that that is who i am not. i don't want to be babied or felt sorry for. i just want to be "real" and for you to be okay with that. i want to be okay with that too. so, if i'm saying something here and you don't understand it, but you're just generally interested, i'm totally open to discussing it. i have to be honest and say- i have agendas, and my senses are really attuned to picking up on other people's agendas and thinking "that smells foul!" so i know it may happen here to me. generally tho, i think you'll find i'll try not to rub you the wrong way. i hate confrontation, but sometimes that's just part of life i guess. i want to be learning how to be confrontational in a sincere, loving and open way. i have no idea what this is going to look like, but i'm looking forward to hearing from you if you're coming along for the ride. i hope we become better people along the way.
love,
lyndie

here's what there'll probably be alot of- me jotting down rememberances of the things i'm thankful for. but i have to say, i'm the undeserving recipient of a lot of good things, more than enough to share. and i think i may help myself, and hopefully others, by remembering that.

so, today i my heart was made glad, as usual, by a yosi-ism.

it was a gorgeous fall day, sunny and unexpectedly warm. we spent a large portion of the late morning outside on a meandering walk to the library, to the coffeshop and then to the front porch, where an old kitchenette that i rescued the garbage/garage of my mom's former apartment, is currently residing. yosi was quite taken with it and toted out play kitchen stuffs from her indoor kitchenette to set up house in the sunshine. but this was all after she had a mini meltdown because somehow she interpreted a suggestion that we stay outside and play into the idea that i was going to set up the swimming pool. i spent a fair amount of time explaining why we wouldn't be swimming in the 65* temperatures, and included that the only way we could swim is that if we swam indoors and that that would cost alot of money that we aren't able to spend at the moment. a few minutes later, i was on the phone, when she disappeared inside and returned with a piggy bank that is disguised as a miniature safe, and declared that now we could go swimming. as i was holding claire, my sleeping neice on my lap, AND talking on the phone, i helplessly watched as she proceeded to open the "safe" and dramatically empty the considerable contents (primarily pennies) upon the porch floor. clearly, we were money in her mind was no object to prevent swimming. all this is kinda cute (and a little scary- what kind of kid am i raising?!) but what i'm celebrating is that i was able to laugh at it. i didn't flip out, i just chuckled to myself and my friend on the phone, as i relayed the incident unfolding before me. admittedly, yosi was disobedient, since, i had instructed her not to open it, just before she did. and then she thought she was cute. the "consequences" we more fun than punishment for her- picking up all the coins and redepositing them into the safe. but we had a happy afternoon. and she went on to make a marvelous "leaf pie" in her little kitchenette and i went crazy snapping pictures because she was happy and claire woke up happy and i was happy. and that feels good.

it's the kinda day that you just stuff your pockets full of chunks sunshine, saving them up to pull out and savor when the clouds have been hanging around a little too long.