God is making me think about what I need to be as a woman. More full of grace in practical ways. Like, David finds it repulsive when I burp. At least I don’t open my mouth anymore (unless he’s not around), but I don’t make much of an effort to prevent it, except by shutting my mouth when he’s around. It’s never been part of my personality, to feel most myself and be ladylike at the same time. So, I have to admit, while it seemed so admirable and worthy at the time, to become genteel and graceful, since then, I haven’t really felt compelled. I despise stuffiness and primness, it seems contrived and saccrine. I often feel I have to act, kind of, that way with people at church, even sometimes with “friends”, like I can’t let them see that I’m not perfect. Which is why my self rebels so heartily to the idea in practice at home, where people love me because they can’t seem to help it, where I am most who I am. Poor David. And poor children, if we ever have them. What kind of mother will they see?
Is perhaps, what I like to label primness and saccrine, sometimes, perfectly flawed women trying, bumblingly, like myself, to be genteel and graceful? Why does it seem to come more naturally to some than others? Nuture vs. nature? Or are we all just putting on an act, and some are better actresses than others? Which all boils down to a core flaw of mine- that I can’t fully trust that other people are being genuine, perhaps because, so often I recognize myself being ungenuine. It probably doesn’t help that my mother was the prototype of faking in order to hide her pain and difficulties. I just wish it hadn’t been so heavily imprinted on my brain. It’s going to take a lot of steam ironing to get these wrinkles out.
Perhaps it’s sinful, but I was quite proud to see my husband standing on stage, reading a passage of Scripture that means so much to him. It can’t possibly be flawed to think that my husband is the perfect man- for me. It has been his love, patience and understanding that have held me through many healing storms of rage, doubt and forgiveness, and Christ’s mercy and grace carrying us in it all.
OKAY. This is getting a little too sappy...
Time to move on, to more practical, everyday stuff.
today i created a myspace acct. not much to it, but if you're interested, it's: http://www.myspace.com/badgerkund. good luck figuring out how to navigate- i was extremely grateful for mel's tutelage on this mega board. looks like a great way to keep up with long-distance friends tho.
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