Disruption- the word just sounds scary. Scary things are often sad too.
Recently, a story about a disrupted adoption erupted on the media platform. "Mom gives up adopted son" is not a happy headline, and it got my attention. I wanted to know: WHY? How could you? What happened? My heart was preemptively broken, but I felt a compulsion to find out more. I'm glad I listened. You can too: [note- these are 2 seperate articles but have the same picture @ the top]
She gave up adopted son who ‘wasn’t attaching’
She adopted a child — and then gave him up
Bonding can be a scary, anxiety-ridden journey. I know there are times I've been worried that I don't love Y enough, or that maybe she doesn't love me, but I've always been reassured by some little incident that proved to me that our bond, while malleable and growing, was certainly unbreakable.
I worry about the possible perception that this story could create that parents and children's relationships are disposable, certainly not painlessly so, but nonetheless... It seems that the media is being very careful to refute that, but still... Even parents of biological children sometimes feel like they don't love their child as well as they should, that perhaps there is someone out there who could do a better job...
I guess what it comes down to is that my response should be that: because of Christ- yes, there are days I could certainly do a much better job of loving my daughter, and there are probably alot of people out there who could do alot of things better than me- but God didn't give THEM my daughter, He gave her to me and my husband, and as we faithfully submit ourselves to Him, He will help us to do the best we can and by His mercy and grace in her life, He will make up the difference.
That's not to say that "Christian" parents may not need to make a tough decision like the woman who decided to "give up" her adopted son... Hopefully it will be made with sound judgement- as it seems she did.
If this conclusion leaves you thinking that I seem a little inconclusive about the topic, well- you're right. It's a story with no easy answers for anyone else in a similar situation. But it did remind me to be compassionate and to listen before I jump to conclusions, which is a great reminder for me in all areas of my life.
What did you think?
3 comments:
I caught this story also yesterday as I was flipping through headlines and clicked on it out of curiousity. After reading the story I, too, felt myself filled with compassion for this mother who made such a heartbreaking decision. Her situation is certainly not the norm, and I hope it doesn't spark unnecessary debate regarding adoption.
Obviously, I have no experience with this since all of my children are bioligical. May I admit, though, that there are days when I have cried out to the Lord, "WHY, WHY Lord, did you give me THIS child, whose personality SO clashes with mine?" or even "WHY did you choose to make me a mother, God, when I am SO incapable and such a failure?" I often feel so incapable to raise these children. And truly I AM INCAPABLE without His grace on me every day.
Whether we become mothers by adoption or biology, we must rely solely on Him!
That is so hard. We had the opportunity to adopt a little guy through a disruption a couple years ago (before ours were home yet), but God intervened and the family decided that they would keep at it til they got it right. We were so glad that they made that decision. In their case, the mother was expecting the child to just come into their home and act as if he had always been there.... We have learned that it doesn't work that way..especially with an "older child". Addie was 3 1/2 when we brought her home and we have had some trials. Some days I would have gladly disrupted. Sad but true. It has been hard. But, now, 1 year and two months later, we have seen such headway that I am so thankful that we held out and held on to God's hand. Without Him....I don't know where we would be. Isn't that true with all aspects of life, though?!
I don't know how I feel about disruption. On one hand, if the family is unable to love the child as the child needs, then the child should have the right to be placed in a family where he/she can be loved. On the other hand, it seems like moving the child yet again would only cause more problems. My heart goes out to any and all families who feel that they must make that decision. Attachment is a difficult thing.
In His love~
Jody Garber
I have a lot to say about this, but do not have the time to share, but I can say that what you "think" about adoption, is different that what you "think" after you have had a foster child or have adopted. One thing that I have learned is that loving the child is not about emotions, it is about a commitment to be their parent, in good times and bad.
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